"COFFEE TRUMPED UP" - Sat, Aug 10, 2024
THE COFFEE ALIEN TECHNOLOGY CULT HAS ARRIVED, AND IT'S A CAFFEINE-FUELED DISASTER
EDITORS NOTE: PLEASE DO NOT ATTEMPT TO JOIN THE COFFEE ALIEN TECHNOLOGY CULT!
In a shocking turn of events, former President Donald Trump has announced the launch of a new cult dedicated to the belief that coffee is an ancient alien technology. That’s right, folks – Trump has convinced his die-hard followers that their morning joe is not just a pick-me-up, but a portal to another dimension.
“COFFEE IS SO GOOD, IT’S OUT OF THIS WORLD!”
According to insiders close to the cult (okay, I asked my friend’s cousin who’s “into it”), Trump has decreed that coffee beans are actually fragments of an ancient alien spacecraft that crashed on Earth millions of years ago. These extraterrestrial beings, known as the “Coffeeians,” imbued humans with their advanced technology – which manifests as a delicious, addictive beverage.
The cult, dubbed “Caffeine United” (CU for short), has been gaining momentum since its inception, with thousands of devoted followers gathering in coffee shops and Trump-branded cafes to chant slogans like “COFFEE IS LIFE!” and “BUCK UP, BRO!” (reportedly a phrase coined by Trump himself).
SOME OF THE COFFEE ALIEN TECHNOLOGY CULT’S CORE BELIEFS:
- Coffee beans are not just seeds, but tiny fragments of an ancient spaceship.
- The perfect cup of coffee is not just a matter of personal taste, but a key to unlocking interdimensional travel.
- Anyone who doesn’t drink their morning coffee is a “SLEEPYHEAD,” and therefore, a threat to humanity’s survival.
CU MEMBERSHIP BENEFITS:
- Exclusive access to Trump-branded coffee beans, sourced from the finest, most “AMERICAN” farms.
- Discounts on all Trump-licensed merchandise, including “COFFEE IS LIFE!” t-shirts and mugs.
- Invitations to private coffee tastings with Trump himself ( reportedly featuring his signature blend – “TRUMP’S TERRIFIC COFFEE”).
JOIN THE COFFEE ALIEN TECHNOLOGY REVOLUTION… OR NOT
So, if you’re ready to trade in your sanity for a taste of the divine, join Caffeine United today! Just don’t say I didn’t warn you…
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